To One Who Comes From Sirius,
As I pulled out onto the Sarjapura main road, riding my bike this evening, I was filled with thoughts about the previous night spent with you. While I was riding, I could help but notice a change within myself. I did not know if I felt empty or if I felt full. Somehow, I felt imbued by a very vulnerable spirit, and that’s how I will describe how I felt this evening — vulnerable. And with this vulnerability came a feeling of inexplicable strength. I kept looking up at the changing hues of the evening sky, filled with the luminosity of the setting sun. I searched for it in between the skyscrapers and the pillars of the metro that wanted to hide it from me. I saw sky blue turning into a steely grey and then cherry pink, and all the while my heart was telling me — love, love, love.
You asked me, lying beside each other on the trampoline, where you should touch me. I said, my where my heartbeat was. Proud of my decision you placed your hand on my chest. It was not simply that I had not been touched by someone in a long time that evoked such strong emotions, but only by one so tender and loving as you, I felt the presence of love that was both between us, and the love that was already within me. It was the sending and receiving of love that we agreed upon me, and I felt your blessings with every touch — the kissing of eyes, caressing the lines of my face, the kneading of hips, nape, and shoulders. And with you in my arms, I breathed in such a way, hoping the bones of our rib cages fused every time they expanded, holding you ever so tightly.
You have now sent me on a mission. The same mission that I believe you set out on a few years ago. Convinced of its utmost essentiality, I am in search the thing called ‘love’. A seeker yourself, you know that this is no easy task. It has neither form, nor taste, and impossible to measure by any human instrument. One merely ‘feels’ it and what follows is an immediate awareness of the fullness of the heart, or the sorrowful aching of a heart that is empty, which loves graciously fills again. If there had been a roadmap, or manual, or course, I would have gladly enlisted myself in thorough study. Alas, there exists no such thing. There are only encounters with what you call angels (and I truly believe that you are such an angel), that lend their burning hearts to the cold and unforgiving, rekindling their memory, that there is an inheritance called love, which is for everyone. A treasure that is found only inside oneself and not in the external knowledge or fancies which is plentiful in the world.
And the greatest challenge in the pursuit of love is this — the courage to trust what one feels. Even the saints and philosophers have come into debacle, debating the true meaning and purpose of life. They have agreed upon love as an essential element. However, something as intangible and ethereal as love, is defined in multitude, often confusing and leading nowhere at all. The mission is then to find one’s own meaning of love. Not just in word, if that word be not the living word, but where one feels the joys and tribulations of life in complete vulnerability. Cherishing each moment for its own distinctive value, whether I find myself wailing on a stone floor or in the lap of mi amor.
There is no fear in love, but rather perfect love casts out fear, says the book of 1 John. This is not a contradiction, yet as you said, a paradox. The fear is precisely this — trusting in love. That love can overcome all things, fill every void. And most of all, the fear of one’s ability to love. I have often questioned my ability to love, and meeting you reminded me that it was this fear of loving and being loved, that kept me a silent witness in the passing of my own life. Unable to reach out, feeling that my words and actions meant nothing, could change nothing. Feeling that I was in a shell, I resented the person I told myself I was. And so, I wished to make reparations for my own lack by helping the world. But it was out of guilt and resentment for myself and the carelessness of others that brought me to this work, and not a love for people. For it was I, walking around with ball and chain trying to free people. And indeed, sometimes they pitied me more than I pitied them.
I believed my deeds would eventually vindicate me. To do anything else, other than this work of daily self-sacrifice, I considered selfish and vile. But at the bridge, where toads croaked and constellations above us, you mentioned that it was perhaps that I felt myself so undeserving of love, that I used the word ‘selfish’ to describe any act of kindness towards myself. That made a lot of sense to me. And so, I tortured myself with the problems of the world, when really it was I who was so desperate for kindred touch and repose. Perhaps I shall be a little selfish these days, in that pay more attention to the pining of a parched and tired spirit. And here I make the distinction of avarice and the needs. I have submitted plenty to my own vices, destroying both body and mind without a care. Never once, however, have I had the compassion to give myself what I needed — a moment of silence, forgiveness. And it is these things I have deprived myself of. But if I must make any more distinctions, I will fall into the trap
of words. I will merely conclude saying that I am seeking the force called love. That I wished to walk in its path, led by it. Just like floating in the water, chest front and head back, and always, always remembering to breathe.
Thank you for sharing with me your life’s story. Some of it at least. Even through your trials, you have demanded that the score be settled with love and not bitterness or revenge. I cannot see why God should not grant you every desire, every happiness. Or any man for that matter. It is easy to see that God resides within you. Or else, how can you live as you do? Be as you are? I have not seen such courage, or perhaps the word ‘courage’ is inappropriate. Rather I will say, the desire to bring people to life. And you do it with an unmistakable sincerity. This is your gift to humankind. My wish is that through your vision and the testament of your life, people such like me, will be inflamed to act, seeking recourse for the years of the damage done and break down the walls they have built, inviting forgiveness and healing.
Beautiful, radiant, sensual, a woman like you could awaken in any man the fiercest passion. Wrapped in red like the star of your origin. However, you have saved your passion for the one who you will call yours forever, and the father of your children. This decision, I firmly respect and hope with all my heart that everything works out in this lifetime. But as you have said, the knowing is already with you. So, think of my hope as merely my excitement for you and the family you will grow and cherish. Twice, I have used your own words, but only once to tease you. For I believe waiting lifetimes is needlessly long for one so endearing as you, and I am sure the time for reunion with your twin flame is coming very soon. I hope he holds you dear every night and whispers in your ear ‘I desire you like no other’. You said in your message — ‘May love always be in your arms’. I say to you, One who comes from Sirius — In the arms of love may you always be held.
Sincerely and with love,
J.L.
